Iviad.com

After the first few days I’m the trenches, his lieutenant calls the group together and says “Men, today is the day we take the fight to the Germans. Ready yourselves as we are going to go over the walls and take the enemy trench and send every German we can to hell!”

The new private looks at him embarrassed and say, “Sir….I’ve lost my rifle sir.” The officers looks at him and very seriously tells him ge can charge without a rifle and leaves. The new private is then freaking out knowing he is going to die there on the field. His sergeant comes up asks if he wants to survive the charge, “Of course I do!” He screams back.

“We’ll all you have to do is…” The sergeant raises his hands and makes the shape of two ‘handguns’,one behind the other “put your hands like this and if you see a German, point your ‘gun’ at them and say BANGITY BANGBANGBANG!!” The private looks at him and disbelief and says he has to be joking. “You can do without a rifle, or you kill people this way, it’s up to you.”

The lieutenant come back and says it’s time to go and sounds the charge. They soldiers all go over the wall screaming and shooting. As they run across the field, the private spies a German shooting and points his gun at him and yells “BANGITY BANG BANG BANG!!” And to his utter disbelief the German falls over dead. Dumbfounded he aims at another German and repeats “BANGITY BANG BANG BANG!!” And again the soldier does instantly. The private has a huge grin and runs faster and keeps ‘shooting’ and the enemy trench is taken.

After a short rest, and he sees the sergeant and says, “You won’t believe this, it actually worked!” He says he told the private so and moves on to check on the other men. As he is leaving, the private sees a lone German soldier, slowly walking over a hill a little ways in front of the newly squired trench and tells his comrades to watch him kill this German with no weapon. He lines up his ‘gun’ and shouts “BANGITY BANG BANG BANG!” But the German keeps walking forward. Confused, he tries again “BANGITY BANG BANG BANG!!”. Again, nothing. He climbs out of the trench, runs the distance to be just 20 feet in front of the slow-walking German and screams at the top of his lungs “BANGITY BAMG BANG BANG!!!!” Nothing happens.

To his surprise he feels a bump in his stomach and then falls over and feels his feel being squeezed into the ground, as if something is squishing him into the ground. And the last thing the soldier hears before he dies is the German quietly whispering “Tankity tank tank tank…..”

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince.

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life” But John came fifth, and won a toaster

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”

The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish.
First guy says: “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him any more.

Second guy says “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

First guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”

Second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: “Guys, I think I fucked up.”

…are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”

The blonde thinks “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.”

The Frenchman thinks “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”

The Englishman thinks “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

It means a lot.

… and he’s wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, “There’s no charge.”

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,” she says.

“Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, “it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.”

“So I just switched the heads.”

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.

At the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

“You know what? No,” said the executioner.
“I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat, we’re strapping you in and doing this now.”

It was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “Okay. Go ahead. ”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?”, Grandpa asks “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

You’d almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.